beast @cuddly_panda20

beast photos and videos

May 2019

...I don't even know what to post about. I guess, I can say i seen my older sister. Was nice seeing her again. Though she pissed me off. She bought me a coffee, tea and doughnuts 😑. But, she remembered my favorite coffee and tea! Sweet delicious honey tea with lemon. And a just sweet enough to send shivers up the spine coffee. She bought her favorite doughnuts for us to share 😅. It was very nice to see her, giant pain in my ass. She needs to visit my dumbass more 😂😂

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April 2019

I want to type something, but... Idk

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April 2019

Was happy-ish yesterday. But today I feel depressed...more than i should be actually ... But whatever. Idc...I'll just go through the day like normal...I hope

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April 2019

So, my friend asked me if I knew just how much he cared about me. He got mad because I put myself down I told him, "No one should care about me, because of what I've done in the past. I'm a monster that doesn't deserve love, or even to be noticed Yet I try to care for others When I could die today and I wouldn't care about what I left behind, because what I'd leave behind. Is maybe four friends and some family. My family knows I don't ask to be noticed, or acknowledged Because i don't want to be Everything i have done is horrible So no I don't know how much you care about me because I've never cared about myself to notice if someone cares" Right after I said that I seen his dad, mom, and older sister looking at me. They all told me "We know you have made mistakes. And we know why you say your a monster. But don't, your a amazing person and we treat you like family, we don't care if you don't care about yourself. Be we care about you deeply and will be here for you even when you try to push us all away" Charlie, my friends dad is the most stubborn person ever and has never cried But as he told me, that hearing me call myself a monster, he cried. He told me. He see's me as a son. To hear those words, to hear that family say they love and care about me after all the fucked up shit I've done, I broke down. To hear someone after so long of being called a monster and scum. Call me their hero because, I stay with that family through thick and thin. Knowing that man is a goddamn marine That hit hard. And just to hear them all tell me they will always care about me no matter what. They are just amazing, and they hold a very powerful spot in my heart.

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April 2019

😅 guess I got a but longer on here. So, yeah. I went for a walk today. My fat ass had to run I seen my ex and yeah, I fucking hate her. She made everyone in my town believe I was fucking her 🤢🤢🤢🤢. She said hey. I said fuck you and ran to my house and locked all my doors and blocked the windows But besides that, i might have a job!! Good paying and easy 😂😂

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April 2019

...tomorrow, I'll be away for a while. I'll be back though, and when i get back. I'm throwing a party 😊.

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April 2019

I...honestly have nothing to say today, no poem, no singing, no nothing...just, im emotionless today... Don't really talk to anyone anymore All I do is exercise, sleep, eat 1 meal a day. Watch a bit of jacksepticeye Than I look at old photos...shouldn't. But I do

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April 2019

A couple days left... So here. Poem #2 Close Deep in sleep He dreams of them Deep in sleep He cries for what has happened He may wake up Only in tears From a dream that he wishes was real Tears that are real Blood more so Scars across his body Remind him he's alive Scars on his body Take away the pain In his heart Waking up Is a curse When you feel so close To that person In a dream So close to hold So close to feel So close it hurts Close to love

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April 2019

Here's a poem. I have four days before I go. So. Enjoy Love We sleep And dream Of what is there To wake To a face We love and care Speak these words To hold and love To take ones heart And shelter from the cold Love is there And you still care Love is free Your my rose I'm your thorns Love sleeps When we are apart Held in these arms You sleep so sound In these hands A heart that's bound Love speaks full The past seeks this What we hold Love is true Like mine for you

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April 2019

...well, in a week I'll be offline for a while. So I'll be posting poems till than. 😊

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April 2019

I know you can't read this, and I'd rather not try speaking to the heavens for you to hear. But um, victor it's been almost 14 years now since you've been gone. It's been rough, wish you were here. You'd know how to cheer me up. Maybe icecream? Remember those days? We would walk down the road to that Icecream shop, and you'd tell me. Get the BIGGEST Icecream there. We would get the same size, and lose half on the way back. I miss those days, when I couldn't feel depressed because I had someone to look up to. You know I treated you like a big brother right? I hope you know I looked up to you. I wish things could have gone a different way than they did. You know I don't believe in God, but. I hope your up there, watching over us all, and I hope your safe up there. Miss you bud.

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April 2019

Looks like I'm, going to be away for a while So before I go,. Remember these 5 things 1. Your perfect the way u are 2. No matter what don't give up 3. Love with all your heart 4. Don't give up on someone u love 5. Smile everyday. It'll make the day go by faster

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April 2019

...I want to sing In a video, to send to someone in my family who I care very much about (his bday tomorrow ). But, my voice sucks 😂.

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April 2019

5 hour course complete. Next is my driving test 😧😧😧😧. Prob gon fail

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April 2019

Broken Written by: me 😁 As I lay here Watching old movies Listening to old songs That we listened to The pain never goes away I still love you I broke your trust I broke your love Broke the one I love Day by day I feel broken Day by day I feel alone Calls that happened every night Slowly fade But I make them stay Broken Why was it that way I ask everyday Broken And beaten I like and say I'm ok But really I miss you Day by day It hurts to know I lost the man I always loved Day by day Broken I'm regretting everything I've done I regret what I've done For everything that was Is broken

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April 2019

WARNING: SAD/DEMENTED POEM DO NOT READ IF YOU ARE SENSITIVE TO SUICIDE As she cries herself to sleep In a class full of people and eyes to see Her heart is broken And her body weakened She cries blood So everyone is looking Her father now gone She needed to be strong But how can she when All that she loved Is gone She speaks that he's in her heart and memories But flesh and bone is what she wishes he could be At home she cuts and burns her skin Bringing pain Away from her heart Her mother to drunk to stop her Her brother abusive Watches her harm "Father free me Break this house apart Help me smile Before I depart" The house she lived in Faded now As the mother and brother Of the girl Look at her face Like a porcelain doll So beautiful and so free Her smile so big A tear of blood One last to be For she is finally At peace

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April 2019

...is this...real?...What I woke up to?...or is my phone...messing with me

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March 2019

I don't really know what to post so...i guess here's a poem? Bloom Roses slowly rise Violet's quick to their side Unable to bloom Because the sun is blocked By clouds so thick Violet's and roses Wishing to show their beauty Without mouths They still speak Without ears They listen To a song coming close With eyes not there They watch the clouds begin to move Rose and violet Showing their beauty now as the sun hits them Roses of black show it's beauty Violet of silver blue let's its beauty shine (Idk what this is suppose to be, sorry that it's horrible )

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March 2019

So uh, i guess my grams. Set up a appointment for my 5 hour course? Ok. 😁. I shall pass it!!!!

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March 2019

The messed up thing, is no one asks me

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March 2019

So what would you have me do about this? Everyone judges me before I can even speak a single word. So what do you want me to do? Never leave my room? Have no friends so they don't have to be dragged down by my mistakes?? Or end everything?? Because everyone who doesn't listen to what really happened. Tells me to kill myself

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March 2019

I CANT KEEP DOING THIS. I CANT FOLLOW ORDERS TO GIVE UP ON THE ONE I LOVE Your asking me to abandon all my love. When you ask me to forget him Not talking to you is killing me. LITERALLY killing me My heart aches, my body is numb. And i just. I don't want to be without you I love you so much, I miss our calls, the random conversations we had. The soft kisses you gave. The cuddles I miss it all. I miss you And I can't even talk to you And it hurts so much. Please just talk to me. Please

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March 2019

I don't want to move on, Caleb you are my true love. I just can't let go of you, my heart burns everyday and I just, I miss you. More than anything or anyone. Your the light I want to reach. Your the stars I shoot for I love you, so much. I'm so sorry

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March 2019

So, I left you a note when I left. I hope it made it to your hands If not, Caleb I am sorry for the ways I treated you, you meant everything to me And I did what I did I know I can't take back what I did. I know you will hate me for a long time. I will not ask you take me back, that is your choice I do ask, allow me to talk to you again. Please, if you read the note. Or even this post I am truly sorry for the harm I put you through And, when I seen you while talking to your dad. I wanted to let you see me. I wanted to see your face. But I turned, because I was scared. I was scared to look at you, and break down. Because I still love you And to me. When I say I love you. They aren't just words I'd lay my life down before you. And let you decide if I live or die I love you because your my world, you noticed my good side while no one else bothered to look. And I love you. Because I know your my soul mate, my true love. ...I messed up many times, I let lust take me over instead of love filling my heart and mind So I am truly sorry I hurt you, you are precious to me though Caleb. And even if we aren't together, I will still protect you, and even risk my life for you. Because that is how much you mean to me. Your the first person. I was ever able to say I love you to. And use it's full meaning. I am so sorry I hurt you, even if it takes me a dozen lifetimes to make things right. I promise I will become a better person for you. Sincerely: panda bear.

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March 2019

I know it won't, but I hope the note reaches you. I seen you today, I didn't want you to see me. But you did. I dont know how you felt when you seen me. Probably angry, but I deserve that. It was hard to keep from totally breaking down Infront of your dad, I wanted to talk to you. I really did want to talk to you. But, I know you didn't want to. It sucks, i went there to show you what I've become But instead Your dad seen the pain in my eyes as I tried my hardest to keep myself from breaking down. That note, If you read it. If you decide to talk to me I will prove my worth to be in your life again If you rip it apart and decide that I won't be in your life again I accept what you decide. Im sorry caleb Know that no matter what you choose My heart will always be yours.

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March 2019

You can say I'm not hurting But I am More than you will ever know. I love you. More than you'll ever know You won't read this And I know that You won't talk to me And thats what really hurts Not being able to explain How much pain I'm in, losing you. It hurts That i can't even talk to you anymore

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March 2019

If you love someone Tell them 😊 Show them how much you love them and prove your love Make everyday with them worth while. Trust me. It's worth it

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March 2019

A man so alone He struggles to climb this hill His legs burn from walking His arms slowly vanish as he reaches with every breathe But still he climbs Hoping he'll reach the top again After falling so many times His hope stays high His name is mine His hope is yours His life Is you Smile as he does. Even while I pain Climbing this hill Smile loves Allow him to take your pain and sorrow And help you reach the top first

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March 2019

Well...that was a dream.. Not goin back to be after that. 😞 The dream made me want that person to cuddle me

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March 2019

I don't know what to do. I really don't Honestly. I just want you back To prove I've changed To prove my faith to you is pure I just miss you so much I can't sleep anymore without you appearing in my dreams I can't stop thinking about you And it's killing me You were and still are the love of my life I just Need you 😞 I need just to be able to talk to you again I'm tired of. Acting happy for others I want to be happy with you Your my joy My pride The reason I see the light Everyday without you It's hell Everyone tells me I'll be ok BUT IM NOT!! I'm not going to be ok I never will be ok I love you so god damn much And I fucked up But I will never make that mistake again Because I really do love you Caleb Murray And I miss our talks Our play fights The nicknames The cuddles The hugs The kisses I miss it all I have been holding all my emotions back because I didnt know what would happen So here it is All my emotions I love you And I'll never stop I'll always want you back You can call me scum. Your can call me everything there is But your my true love I'll never find anyone like you again Because I refuse to look for another

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March 2019

I miss our calls late at night. Like it is now You would call all tired. Start saying "not tired. Not tired. Won't sleep". And than you would pass out 😴😴 I miss our small chats about weird stuff. It's hard to forget anything with you. Your laugh, your smile, your voice. God your voice helped me sleep. Your smile made me smile And your laugh. Adorable I still remember nights we would play fight. 😅 You'd always win The nights we would just talk about life. I even remember Tioga. At the trailer. You were so weird. Touching my face and saying "I need to memorize your face in case I go blind" But, that night was amazing Heck the time at my buddy spencers house 😅😅😅 We had to sleep in the kitchen, and I believe we went to the river that day. But, those days are gone aren't they? 😞 I wish they weren't I mean..they aren't because I'll always remember. But I should probably sleep right? 😅 Look at me, I actually waited for a response..... Damn... I want to keep texting and hope I'll see a message pop up..but. This is a post 😅. So... Yeah...I'm gonna post this now... So .... I guess uh,. Have a good night. And a good day... And...just stay safe Caleb If...you read this that is 😞 🍱🍚🍥☕

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March 2019

.....

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March 2019

Can someone message me? Please 😞

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March 2019

Why do I even post anything... No one really wants me around. I'm a pathetic person, and just I'm very messed up. The only two followers I have My brother And... Someone I dont even talk to .. I guess... If this post can get 1 single tiny like. I'll stay. But. I doubt it will So. Around midnight. I'll have figured out how to shut this account down

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March 2019

Look!! I actually drew something. (sorry it's horrible. I haven't drawn a wolf before )

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